Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 09:39
ThreadID: 139178 Views:2224 Replies:6 FollowUps:1
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 09:43

Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 09:43










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AnswerID: 628108

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 10:41

Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 10:41
Two teenagers, Liam and Noah were sitting outside on a bench after school.

Liam looked at Noah. "So, man, did you do anything fun this weekend?"

"Not really," Noah replied, "how about you?"

"Oh man, I was at Joe's house for a party last night. His house is UNBELIEVABLE. Do you know they have toilet bowls made of pure gold?? You wouldn't believe it!"

"No way dude, that's impossible. His parents are well off but I don't remember them being THAT rich."

"Come with me and see for yourself if you don't believe me"

Later that day, both Liam and Noah went to Joe's house.

Noah rang the doorbell and Joe's mom opens the door.

Noah quickly asks, "My friend came to Joe's party last night and claimed that you have toilet bowls made of gold, is that really true?"

She stands there for a while frowning at them, then turns and yells back into the house.

"Alfred, the asshole that crapped in your tuba is here!"

------------------------

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

We live in a society where pizza arrives at your house faster than the police.

How is it that one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes an entire box to start a campfire

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I took the shell off my racing snail to make him faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

Everyone has a right to be stupid, but I think you’re abusing the privilege

Love means nothing to a tennis player.

------------------------

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore.

She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.

"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.

And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews,

I'll have all the money I could ever want.

I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.

Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

Poof! And just like that...... her ears were gone.

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 628109

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 10:45

Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 10:45
Halloween costumes








Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 15:14

Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 15:14
First Date

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! Many of us have had bad dates, but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun, the skiing great, the coffee hot. The day was uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and, to top it off, they were in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion recognized her discomfort, and suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender!

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered he r date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover her self with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma..

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her bottom off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.'

'Did you ever see the young man again?' asked Mr. Leno.
'I married him,' was the reply.

'He's sitting right here next to me.'
AnswerID: 628112

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 15:14

Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 15:14
NEED CHEERING UP?????

Watch your Wedding Video backwards!!!

You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back down the aisle, jump in the car and bugger off with your mates!!!!!
AnswerID: 628113

Follow Up By: Member - Boobook - Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 19:11

Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 19:11
The extended version shows you in a Jewlery shop and they hand you money for the engagement ring that you give them.
Tony
200 with 2012 Tvan Canning.
Happiness >= your perception of the events in your life minus your expectation of how life should be.

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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 15:17

Friday, Oct 11, 2019 at 15:17
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding anniversary when the wife says, "Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession........before we were married I was a hooker for eight years."

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says........."My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, so it would be unfair of me to hold your past against you......in fact maybe you could show me a few of your old tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?"

She said "I don't think you understand, my name was Mike and I played for Taranaki ........"
AnswerID: 628114

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