Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 09:45
ThreadID: 139327 Views:2585 Replies:9 FollowUps:5
Sven and Ole worked together, were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher.
I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."The clerk looked up panty stitcher.

Finding it classed as unskilled labour, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Ole goes in and sits down with the lady. She asked Ole his occupation."Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay. The clerk explained: when I looked it up, panty stitchers were unskilled labourers and diesel fitters were skilled labourers.

"What skill?" yelled Sven. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says,"Yep, diesel fitter"

bill
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 09:51

Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 09:51
Tips to Surviving Australia
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.

* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

* Always carry a stick.* Air-conditioning.

* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fist fight.

* Thick socks.

* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.

* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.

* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

******************************************************************************************************************

An Aussie is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Aussie ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American: "You Aussie folk eat the whole bread?"
Aussie (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.

"The American has a smirk on his face. The Aussie listens in silence. The American persists: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Aussie: "Of course."
American (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling): "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left-overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Australia."

The Aussie now asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk

Aussie: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."
Aussie: "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."

bill
AnswerID: 628670

Reply By: Colcam42 - Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 10:57

Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 10:57
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off, to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning, they hear a knock and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes, to the question, because I want to see where the bastard is going, with it."
She nods "yes," to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; "Do you have a vagina"?
"Yes, actually I have,” she says.
The man replies, "Good. Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"
AnswerID: 628671

Reply By: Colcam42 - Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 10:59

Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 10:59
Apologies if this has been posted before,

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned.
" 'Twould be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

Tis why we love the Irish.
AnswerID: 628672

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 11:13

Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 11:13









Living like a millionaire on the pension

Member
My Profile  Send Message

AnswerID: 628673

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 14:26

Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 14:26
A lady walks into a butcher shop and asks

" how much is your rump steak ? "

" $19.99 a kilo " said the butcher

The lady then said " the butcher down the roads rump steak is only $13.99 a kilo ?

Butcher replied with a bit of sarcasm "well why don't you go down there and buy some ? "

Lady replied "well he doesn't have any ! "

Butcher then said "well, when I don't have any, mine is only $7.99 a kilo ! "
AnswerID: 628676

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 15:11

Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 15:11
Some Computer Funnies...

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?
'Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Operator: 'Computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing?'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in Word or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
Caller: 'No.
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!
AnswerID: 628677

Follow Up By: smwhiskey - Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 15:25

Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 15:25
For those of us in the industry this isn't a funny....its a reality show
3
FollowupID: 903133

Follow Up By: Frank P (NSW) - Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 15:54

Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 15:54
It's a classic. Is it a skit by the Two Ronnies? Their humour is timeless :-)
1
FollowupID: 903134

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 16:10

Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 16:10
It is a reality show and probably scripted by the two Ronnies, my Ex wife required an indepth lesson each time she attempted to use the computer to simply find the BIG button on the case, which when pressed started it. That was always challenging.
1
FollowupID: 903136

Follow Up By: Member - PhilD_NT - Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 17:31

Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 17:31
I was immediately reminded of someone I know up here who was near enough to that level of stupidity.

In the 90's they were absolutely convinced that Microsoft had produced an operating system specifically for the Northern Territory.

Windows NT.

I tried to argue otherwise but it was wasted on them.
4
FollowupID: 903138

Follow Up By: Member - Bigfish - Saturday, Nov 16, 2019 at 17:44

Saturday, Nov 16, 2019 at 17:44
I was a telstra tech for many years and part of my job entailed installing modems and setting up computers for people. The story above should not be treated as a joke. It was a fact in many cases!!!
3
FollowupID: 903152

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 15:18

Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 15:18
*SIZE* does Matter!

Sometimes it IS better to
have a SMALL ONE!

AnswerID: 628678

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 15:21

Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 15:21
Your Yearly Dementia Test
(only 4 questions)

Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test.
Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

#1. What do you put in a toaster?



Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question #2.


# 2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?







Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.


# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?






Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down!
But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.


# 4. Do not use a calculator for this:

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.
In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Windsor, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden, 6 people get off and 3 get on.

You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.


Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?







Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!


If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!
AnswerID: 628679

Reply By: BobR4 - Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 20:38

Friday, Nov 15, 2019 at 20:38
A SIMPLIFIED URINE TEST WHICH MAY BE RELAVANT TO AT LEAST SOME OF US BLOKES....

Go outside and pee in the garden.
If ants gather.... diabetes.
If you pee on your feet...... prostate.
If it smells like a barbeque.....cholesterol.
If when you shake it and your wrist hurts......osteoarthritis.
If you return to the house with your penis still outside your pants....Alzheimer's.
Take your time and get it right!
AnswerID: 628682

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