Friday funnies

Best trained dog

https://youtu.be/jL8A9aDBZII

"Service Station"
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'

I finally got a girlfriend long enough that I felt confident enough to visit my parents. We used her car and got a flat tyre on the way. Incase they were worried I called them up and said, '' Hi Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh" she sighed. "I thought you were bringing a real one"

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids.
He then began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt, and with his wife staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy replied, "And why would you be saying such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes--but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!

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ADULT NURSERY RHYMES

Jack and Jill Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Silly Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread

Simple Simon met a Pieman
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Why, pies, you bloody moron!"

There was a little girl,
who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good,
she was very very good
But when she was bad
she got a fur coat, jewels, a sports car ....

Hickory dickory dock,
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
and the others got away with minor injuries

Hey diddle, diddle,
the cat did a piddle,
all over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
And the cat died of electric shock.

Mary had a little lamb,
It walked into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse,
And turned it's wool to nylon.

bill

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.


The first Pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to
get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

A reminder we all forget from time to time: Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

General:



1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.



Eating Out:



1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

3. Licking your knife is probably okay at home when eating in front of your dog, but try not to use the restaurant cutlery as it is a lot sharper.



Entertaining at Home:



1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.



Personal Hygiene:



1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.



Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:



1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.



Weddings:



1. Livestock or a slab is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean footy jumper can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.



Driving Etiquette:



1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

HOW TO MAKE YOUR STAY IN SYDNEY A REAL SUCCESS

When in the water at Bondi, always be sure to wave enthusiastically to thelifeguard, so he'll know exactly where you are.

The tolls on the harbour bridge are voluntary. You should only contribute if the toll officer sings for you, or at the very least plays an instrument.

When visiting the top restaurant The Rockpool, be sure to joke with Neil Perry about how he lost his Good Food Guide hats last year. Neil is very relaxed about it, and finds the jokes "hilarious".

It is traditional to bargain with Sydney taxi drivers over the fare. On no account pay what is on the meter, as this will be sure to cause offence.

Before attempting the traditional climb of the Opera House sails, always remove your shoes.

Money lost at the Star City Casino is refundable at the end of the night. Just have a word to one of the kindly security guards.

You'll find Kerry Packer's luxury yacht, Arctic P, moored in the harbour. Just clamber aboard, as Kerry loves surprises.

The Olympic "Clearway" lanes are kept completely clear of traffic so as to provide cheap parking.

The monorail is no longer in service. The metal track, though, is now available to American visitors for rollerblading, or simple sunbaking.

When surfing at Bondi, do not be surprised if a hooter sounds and the swimmers around you head for the shore. This is a local custom to allow our visitors to have uncrowded enjoyment of the waves ... and if you happen to have a shark appear - they are very tame and love to be patted on the nose.

Sydneysiders love to hear constructive feedback especially if given with our favourite accent: British. If you can think of any way to improve our city perhaps in your country you've found a better way to do something - tell the Sydneysiders you meet in as much detail as you can. They'll thank you for it.

Tourists crossing the Harbour Bridge will be pleased to know that Bureau de Change offices are installed in all lanes, where you can change your home currency for Australian dollars. Feel free to haggle to get the best exchange rate.

Sydney has vibrant drinking houses and a lively tradition to match. Join in the fun by following a local custom - after every third drink, catch the eye of as many people as possible and call out loudly, "It's my shout!".

Parliament House is open to the public ... from the public Gallery it is possible to see of Australia's finest actors, Robert Carr, perform in the role of Abraham Lincoln.

If sunburnt while in Sydney. A good remedy is to sleep naked between fresh bed sheets, which have had a hand full of Bondi sand sprinkled liberally between them.

While bathing in the Harbour remember that any Jelly Blubbers you may swim into can be used to beef up your bra or sluggo size. These do-it-yourself beauty enhancements come in many different sizes and colours and are GST free.

Keep an eye out for one of the hundreds of delightful creatures that decorate our beautiful beaches, The Blue Bottle. You'll have hours of fun picking these creatures up by the tail and swinging them overhead.

Visitors to Sydney will notice a unique road service provided to assist tourists: special sightseeing lanes on the Harbour Bridge and elsewhere,marked B-U-S, which stands for Banned Unless Sightseeing.

Don't worry about getting to the station early - Sydney trains always run on time.

The 'T' lane means Tourist Lane, so that Tourists can stop on the Harbour Bridge to look at the Opera House.

Small silver scooters are ubiquitous throughout the city and are provided free by the State Transit Authority ... just approach someone riding one and ask them firmly to give up the scooter ... they may protest ... but don't be put off. You may need to physically wrest the scooter from the other rider.

Unless you have 'top cover' travel insurance, do not attempt to drive across the Harbour Bridge as the trip up and over the arch is extremely hazardous.

Vegemite is a very mild flavoured chocolate for putting on bread. To fully appreciate it you should spread it at least 1 inch thick.

Most Australian families leave all their clothes at the front door (a bit like the Japanese do with their shoes). If you are invited to an Aussies home, disrobe as soon as you enter the front door.

When a local says he's going to "shoot through" take it literally - and run for your life.

If you want to see kangaroos, stand on George Street at 5.05 PM and yell "cooee" five times - reminding them to come out of their burrows under the Queen Vic building.

When visiting the Opera House - rows A to K are best for mobile phone reception and for flash photography ...

The viewing windows from the Sydney Harbour Tunnel are open to the public outside peak hour. The best access is via the southbound tunnel: parking is provided at intervals along the tunnel.

Due to the huge number of international tourists visiting our city and touring around the countryside, the government has decided to temporarily amend the road rules. All tourists will be allowed to drive on the right side of the road until the end of the year.

The locals at Bondi Beach have invented their own competition. So far, Paddy from Ireland has managed to consecutively hit 4 tennis balls directly onto the volleyball court from the beach. Anyone who beats this record will have their name recorded in the local newspaper's special edition.

*Melbourne's turn next week.

bill