Friday Funnies

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.
''Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.
''OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.
''What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A flooping prostitute, Daddy!
''Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a wee big hug !!!:

Aussie Circumcision


bill

For Those Of You That Need To Know Everything . . .

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The liquid inside young coconuts
can be used as a substitute for

Blood Plasma.

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No piece of paper can be folded
in half more than seven (7) times.

Oh , go ahead ...

I'll wait.

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Donkeys kill more people annually

than plane crashes or shark attacks.

(So, watch your Ass)

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You burn more calories sleeping!

than you do watching television.

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The first product to have a bar code

was Wrigley's gum.

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The King of Hearts
is the only King

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

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American Airlines saved $40,000
in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.

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Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated
with women, what does this tell you?

That women are going
in the 'right' direction...!

****************************** *****

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning!

***************************** * *****

Most dust particles in your house
are made from

DEAD SKIN!

****************************** *******

The first owner of the
Marlboro Company
died of lung cancer.

So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

****************************** *******

Walt Disney was afraid

OF MICE!

**************************************

PEARLS DISSOLVE

IN VINEGAR!

****************************** ********

The ten most valuable brand names on earth:

Apple, Coca Cola, Google, IBM, Microsoft, GE, McDonalds,
Samsung, Intel and Toyota , in that order.

***************************** ************

It IS possible to lead a cow upstairs...

but, NOT downstairs.


***************************** ***********

A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.

***************************** * *********

Dentists have recommended that
a toothbrush be kept at least Six (6) feet away
from a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

****************************** ********

And the best for last!!!

Turtles can breathe through their BUTTS!

(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

So!

Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on...and go move your toothbrush! And stop folding that DAMN PAPER!

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

TESCO'S HORSE

In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers.
> Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are
> “small amounts” of horse meat in their burgers.
>
> Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK
>
> Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained
> 30% horse meat, these quips hit the Internet
> …
> “I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.... I guess Tesco just listened!
>
> Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
>
> Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
>
> Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!
>
> Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ...
> I still have a bit between my teeth.
>
> A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.
> Her condition is said to be stable.
>
> Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn
>
> "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF!"
>
> Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers
> confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
>
> Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots....
>
> "To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....
>
> A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?"
> Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"
>
> I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.
>
> These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....Talk about flogging a dead horse.
>
> At first I thought, “Oh great, I’ve been saddled with another email to
> forward, but something spurred me on.”
>
> Last night the wife made meatloaf, so I had dinner with two nags.
>
> Since they’re selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically
> a “Trojan Horse?”
>
> Instead of choosing “rare, medium or well done, it’s now Win, Place or Show”

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."





In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; the Prime Minister and Treasurer would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, The Prime Minister commented to the Treasurer, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected as Prime Minister. After all, ...I'm IN IT TO WIN IT".
The Treasurer agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took the Prime Minister's hand in his right hand and the Treasurer's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally The Prime Minister spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said The Prime Minister . "Amen", the Treasurer said .
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."



A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.

One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."

The elder nodded in agreement. The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?"

The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied: "When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty kangaroo, Plenty fish, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."

Then the elder leaned back and smiled: "Only whitefella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that".




A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said.

'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,

'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.

'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal


At last, confirmation of 'Murphy's Law' with a wonderful Irish explanation:


Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor, and lo behold.......and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of the universe that buttered toast
ALWAYS ls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the Parish to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the Priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, but asks
Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the Priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some
buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It's a miracle.... but wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter
to the Bishop, and, he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people (a)round to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the Archdiocese but by scientists
sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen,
quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be
very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out."

"Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle', because they think .. . .





Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

The AMA has weighed in on Scott Morrison’s proposed changes to Australia’s health services

The Allergists voted to scratch them, but the

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought he had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt he was labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the

Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through them.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of
the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the ideas were a gas, but the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
arseholes in parliament!

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia ...

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license