Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 06:19
ThreadID: 136464 Views:3506 Replies:6 FollowUps:2
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Blonde and proud

Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't, like, paid for them.

OMG! Hellloooo,............. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 06:21

Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 06:21
George Clooney
The coffee advertisement for Nespresso wasn't too bad...but, this one for Fleggard, a Danish store that tries to lure cross-border German shoppers, is pretty amazing.;byline=0&portrait=0&color=d30000&api=1&player_id=media-player
AnswerID: 617774

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 08:55

Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 08:55
The Organ Player...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
AnswerID: 617777

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 10:00

Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 10:00
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at
their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside,
and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything
but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who
indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said “Watch this!”
and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze
in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. “Not bad”, said the other
Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So
they went to the second Eskimo’s igloo, and he said “Watch this!”
and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a
big lump and fell to the floor. “Wow, that’s colder than mine!” said
the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended
up at the third Eskimo’s igloo. He said “Watch this!” and went into
the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several
small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held
a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”.
AnswerID: 617779

Reply By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 11:17

Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 11:17
I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather think it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping.”
AnswerID: 617782

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 19:38

Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 19:38
Maybe Oscar Wilde?
FollowupID: 889570

Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 19:58

Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 19:58
"I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare--or, if not, it's some equally brainy lad"
Dave. :)
FollowupID: 889571

Reply By: Greg A6 - Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 11:57

Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 11:57
During my check-up I asked the Doctor,

"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
AnswerID: 617783

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 19:21

Friday, Mar 23, 2018 at 19:21
Post Surgery Concern

"You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.

"But", she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek.

The girl was alarmed.

"What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 617792

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