Its friday

Submitted: Friday, Jun 21, 2019 at 11:28
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Every body must be away.

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Glenn C5 - Friday, Jun 21, 2019 at 11:57

Friday, Jun 21, 2019 at 11:57

The day would soon arrive when I could not ignore the rash.
I was obviously ill and so I called on Doctor Nash.
This standard consultation would adjudicate my fate.
I walked into his surgery and gave it to him straight:
`Doc, I wonder if you might explain this allergy of mine,
I get these pins and needles running up and down my spine.
From there, across my body, i will suddenly extend
-My neck will feel a shiver and the hairs will stand on end.
And then there is the symptom that only a man can fear
A choking in the throat, and the crying of a tear.'
Well, the Doctor scratched his melon with a rather worried look.
His furrowed brow suggested that the news to come was crook.
'What is it Doc?' I motioned. 'Have I got a rare disease?
I'm man enough to cop it sweet, so give it to me, please.'
'I'm not too sure,' he answered, in a puzzled kind of way.
'You've got some kind of fever, but it's hard for me to say.
When is it that you feel this most peculiar condition?'
I thought for just a moment, then I gave him my position:
'I get it when I'm standing in an Anzac Day parade,
And I get it when the anthem of our native land is played,
And I get it when Meninga makes a Kiwi-crunching run,
And when Border grits his teeth to score a really gutsy ton.
I got it back in '91 when Farr-Jones held the Cup,
And I got it when Japan was stormed by Better Loosen Up.
I get it when Banjo takes me down the Snowy River,
And Matilda sends me waltzing with a billy-boiling shiver.
It hit me hard when Sydney was awarded the Games,
And I get it when I see our farmers fighting for their names.
It flattened me when Bertrand raised the boxing kangaroo,
And when Perkins smashed the record, well, the rashes were true blue.
So tell me, Doc,' I questioned. 'Am I really gonna die?'
He broke into a smile before he looked me in the eye.
As he fumbled with his stethoscope and pushed it out of reach,
He wiped away a tear and then he gave this stirring speech:
'From the beaches here in Queensland to the sweeping shores of Broome,
On the Harbour banks of Sydney where the waratah's in bloom.
From Uluru at sunset to the Mighty Tasman Sea,
In the Adelaide cathedrals, at the roaring MCG.
From the Great Australian Bight up to the Gulf of Carpentaria,
The medical profession call it "green and gold malaria".
But forget about the text books, son, the truth I shouldn't hide.

The rash that you've contracted here is "good old Aussie pride".

I'm afraid that you were born with it and one thing is for sure -

You'll die with it, young man, because there isn't any cure.
AnswerID: 626324

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 21, 2019 at 12:14

Friday, Jun 21, 2019 at 12:14
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them
stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

AnswerID: 626325

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 21, 2019 at 12:14

Friday, Jun 21, 2019 at 12:14
Kitty Kat!:

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.

"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed.
"Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband.
He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted
lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food,
stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in
horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage!
You can make this for me any day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband
the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're
going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the
clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding
him cat food every week would do him in!
How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him.

He fell off the window sill while he was licking his ar*e!"

AnswerID: 626326

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 21, 2019 at 12:15

Friday, Jun 21, 2019 at 12:15
Woman goes to the doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".

Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed".

He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.

"How does that feel?" he asks.

"Lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"

AnswerID: 626327

Reply By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Jun 21, 2019 at 12:15

Friday, Jun 21, 2019 at 12:15
An oldie but I think maybe worth another look.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
AnswerID: 626328

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