Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 06:24
ThreadID: 137417 Views:2822 Replies:11 FollowUps:2
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I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav,
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

by Pam Ayres
Back Expand Un-Read 6 Moderator

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 06:28

Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 06:28
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time: weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man:

"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied:

"I work for The Australian Tax Office "
AnswerID: 621905

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 07:07

Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 07:07
When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
AnswerID: 621906

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 07:08

Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 07:08
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,


"Mrs. Sanders, please."


"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnus Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!!!!!!
AnswerID: 621907

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 07:09

Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 07:09
All about signs

Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
And don't forget the sign at a
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises
AnswerID: 621908

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 08:52

Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 08:52
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply. "Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper", replies the Scotsman getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist. "What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully, "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70", said the dentist. "Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic", said the Scotsman, "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40", said the dentist, "Och that's still a bit much, how ab oot if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin", said the Scotsman hopefully. "Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case", said the dentist. "Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman..."Can ye book the wife in for next Tuesday"


Marital Bliss

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

The wife's been hinting she want's something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots

Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup.

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

Anyone got a owners manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!

My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me

My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake.

Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her make up.

My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.


> Bringing in the Changes
> *_Photography_*
> In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo
> paper worldwide.Within just a few years, their business model
> disappeared and they went bankrupt.What happened to Kodak will
> happen in a lot of industries in the next 10 years - and most
> people don't see it coming.
> Did you ever think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never
> take pictures on paper film again? Yet digital cameras were
> invented in 1975. The problem was that the first ones only had
> 10,000 pixels and it took time to develop more definition in
> photos.So as with all exponential technologies, it was a
> disappointment for a long time, before it became way superior
> and became mainstream in only a few short years thereafter.
> The above will now start happening with artificial
> intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education,
> 3D printing, agriculture, jobs and many other important parts
> of daily life.
> So welcome to the 4th industrial revolution or should I say
> welcome to the exponential age………….
> *_Software_*
> Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next
> 5-10 years.Uber is just a software tool, they don't own any
> cars, and are now the biggest taxi company in the world.
> Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although
> they don't own any properties.
> *_Artificial Intelligence _*
> Computers will become exponentially better in understanding
> the world. This year, a computer beat the best Go player in
> the world, 10 years earlier than expected.
> *_Legal Profession _*
> In the US, young lawyers already don't get jobs because from
> IBM Watson where you can get legal advice (so far for more or
> less basic stuff) within seconds with a 90% accuracy compared
> with 70% accuracy when done by humans. There will be 90% less
> lawyers in the future, only specialists will remain.So if you
> study law, stop immediately!
> *_Medicine_*
>Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, 4 times more
> accurate than human nurses.
> Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can
> recognize faces better than humans.
> In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans.
> *_Transport_*
> Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self driving cars will
> appear for the public. Around 2020, the complete industry will
> start to be disrupted. You won't want to own a car anymore
> however if you do want a car then electric cars will already
> start becoming mainstream by 2020. Furthermore cities will be
> less noisy because all cars will run on electric.
> You will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your
> location and drive you to your destination. You will not need
> to park it, you only pay for the driven distance and can be
> productive while driving.
> Our kids will never get a driver's licence and will never own
> a car.
> It will change the cities, because we will need 90-95% less
> cars for that. We can transform former parking space into parks.
> Today 1.2 million people die each year in car accidents
> worldwide. We now have one accident every 100,000 km, with
> autonomous driving that will drop to one accident in 10
> million km. That will save a million lives each year.
> Most car companies might become bankrupt. Traditional car
> companies still try the evolutionary approach and just build a
> better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will
> do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels.
> (I spoke to a lot of engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; they
> are completely terrified of Tesla.)
> *_Insurance_*
> Insurance companies will have massive trouble – This is
> because without accidents, the insurance will become 100x
> cheaper.
> Their car insurance business model will disappear.
> *_Real Estate_*
> Real estate patterns will change - Because if you can work
> while you commute, people will move further away to live in a
> more beautiful neighbourhood.
> *_Electricity.
> _*Electricity – This facility will become incredibly cheap and
> clean Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30
> years, but you can only see the impact now.Last year, more
> solar energy was installed worldwide than fossil. The price
> for solar will drop so much that all coal companies will be
> out of business by 2025.
> *_Water_*
> With cheap electricity comes cheap and abundant water.
> Desalination now only needs 2kWh per cubic meter. We don't
> have scarce water in most places, we only have scarce drinking
> water. Imagine what will be possible if anyone can have as
> much clean water as he wants, for nearly no cost.
> *_Health_*
> Health - The Tricorder X price will be announced this year.
> There will be companies who will builds this type of medical
> device (called the "Tricorder" from Star Trek) that works with
> your phone taking your retina scan and will also be able to
> take your blood sample when you breath into it. It then
> analyses 54 biomarkers that will identify nearly any disease.
> It will be cheap, so in a few years everyone on this planet
> will have access to world class medicine, nearly for free.
> *_3D printing
> _*The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from 18,000$
> to 400$ within 10 years.In the same time, it became 100 times
> faster. All major shoe companies started 3D printing shoes.
> Spare airplane parts are already 3D printed in remote
> airports. The space station now has a printer that eliminates
> the need for the large amount of spare parts they used to have
> in the past.At the end of this year, new smartphones will have
> 3D scanning possibilities. You can then 3D scan your feet and
> print your perfect shoe at home. In China, they have already
> 3D printed a complete 6-storey office building. By 2027, 10%
> of everything that's being produced will be 3D printed.
> *_Work_*
> 70-80% of jobs will disappear in the next 20 years. There will
> be a lot of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be
> enough new jobs in such a small time.
> *_Agriculture and Food_*
> There will be a 100$ agricultural robot in the future. Farmers
> in 3rd world countries can then become managers of their field
> instead of working all days on their fields.Aeroponics will
> need much less water.The first petri dish produced veal is now
> available and will be cheaper than cow produced veal in 2018.
> Right now, 30% of all agricultural surfaces is used for cows.
> Imagine if we don't need that space anymore.There are several
> startups who will bring insect protein to the market shortly.
> This will contain more protein than meat.It will be labelled
> as "alternative protein source" (because most people still
> reject the idea of eating insects).
> *_Human Feelings_*
> There is already an app called "moodies" which can tell in
> which mood you are.
> Until 2020 there will be apps that can tell by your facial
> expressions if you are lying.
> Imagine a political debate where it's being displayed when
> they are telling the truth and when not.
> *_Bitcoin_*
> This currency will become mainstream this year and might even
> become the default reserve currency.
> *_Longevity _*
> Right now an average life span increases by 3 months per
> year.Four years ago, a life span used to be 79 years, now it's
> 80 years.The increase itself is increasing and by 2036, there
> will be more that one year increase per year.So we all might
> live for a long, long time, probably way more than 100.
> *_
> Education
> _*The cheapest smartphones are already sold for 10$ in Africa
> and Asia.
> By 2020, 70% of all humans will own a smartphone and that
> means that most will have the same access to world class
> education.
> *_Business opportunities _*
> If you think of a niche you want to go into ask yourself, "in
> the future, do you think we will have that?" If the answer is
> yes, you should ask yourself how can you make this happen sooner?
> *_The 2 Big Clues_*
> If it doesn't work with your phone, forget about the idea!
> Any idea that was designed for success using 20th century
> thinking is doomed for failure in the 21st century.
> *Why don’t you bury this mail somewhere on your computer under
> the header “To be opened on 1 January 2025” and on this date
> (if you are still around) look back to see how much of the
> above has come true. You might be in for a huge surprise and
> you will not be able to say “Nobody warned me that this was
> going to happen.” If you are not around then leave guidance to
> your grandchildren to find the hidden file where they will
> probably have a wonderful laugh at your expense for not
> listening to your own advice.*

Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 621910

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 09:49

Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 09:49

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.


A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."


A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.


A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a
month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to
the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.


The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she
asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked..


A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was
being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

AnswerID: 621911

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 09:51

Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 09:51
S O M E T I M E S:

Sometimes....when you cry....
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes....when you are in pain....
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes....when you are worried....
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes....when you are happy....
no one sees your smile.




But FART just ONE friggin' time.....
And everybody knows!

AnswerID: 621912

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 10:57

Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 10:57
A new woman joins a Golf Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team, I was pretty good, mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical, astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 621916

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 14:11

Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 14:11
AnswerID: 621917

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 16:15

Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 16:15
Charity begins at ...

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on...

Did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story? Look at Parliament -- full of bloody Lawyers!

AnswerID: 621918

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 16:43

Friday, Nov 02, 2018 at 16:43
The Honest Golfer

An older golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "No.
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
Again, the golfer replied, "No.
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club.
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "Yes
"The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.
Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton.
"Is this your woman?" the Lord asked?

Kate Upton
"Yes," cried the golfer.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Aniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve. That's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.
And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is:

If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others!
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 621919

Follow Up By: Member - johnat - Saturday, Nov 03, 2018 at 20:43

Saturday, Nov 03, 2018 at 20:43
You just go on believing that ... sooner or later, you'll find another golfer who also believes it! LOL
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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FollowupID: 894568

Follow Up By: Shaker - Saturday, Nov 03, 2018 at 21:47

Saturday, Nov 03, 2018 at 21:47
Following the golfing theme, an oldie but a goodie:

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this”, said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

“I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s backside. That’s when I made my big mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ and I don’t remember much after that.”
FollowupID: 894570

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