Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 00:03
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Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea
would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?”

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will land at night”.

The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.

Back in Washington , Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference

When Trump heard what Kim said, he sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”

His cabinet and everyone working in the White House broke into thunderous applause.
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 06:56

Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 06:56
We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system and ham radio were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.
AnswerID: 619846

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 06:59

Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 06:59
Myrtle and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Myrtle: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs and what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we see a movie. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So, then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Myrtle: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
AnswerID: 619848

Reply By: aussiedingo (River Rina) - Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 09:00

Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 09:00
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

“Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining
AnswerID: 619851

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 09:29

Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 09:29
How The Internet Started

This is very clever!

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story ...
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had often been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abrahams business.
But he was discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dots idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

And that is how it all began. Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!


AnswerID: 619854

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 09:30

Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 09:30
True story..

A policeman in Adelaide pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written:

"This man suffers from chronic asthma.
Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"

The man produced another letter.

This one said:

This man is a hemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read:

"This man plays cricket for Australia; please don't take the p*ss out of him"

AnswerID: 619855

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 10:31

Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 10:31
ITALIAN HONEYMOON - in a best a Italian accent a

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.
She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket .
The conductoredisbelief come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car..'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductor walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductoredisbelief, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada Huh? boombada Grin and the conductoredisbelief, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voiceyawn ..
'Nofolka Virginia Shocked ! Nofolka Virginia Shocked !'
"Nexta time, I'm gonna take the bus."
AnswerID: 619858

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 12:36

Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 12:36
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop, goes inside and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The sales person answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed sales person rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir ..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends.
AnswerID: 619868

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 12:37

Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 12:37
An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging
her money. After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'
The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....

The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says 'fluc you Aussies too'
AnswerID: 619870

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 12:39

Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 12:39
Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of Sydney.
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects $2 to $3 every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives
in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'

Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get $2- $3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Parvinder shows Habib his sign....

It reads, ............ 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan'.
AnswerID: 619871

Reply By: Greg A6 - Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 15:04

Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 15:04
AnswerID: 619874

Reply By: Nomadic Navara - Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 23:35

Friday, Jun 29, 2018 at 23:35
The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening, and to ask his advice.

Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. "You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily.
Retired radio and electronics technician

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AnswerID: 619878

Reply By: Dusty D - Saturday, Jun 30, 2018 at 07:27

Saturday, Jun 30, 2018 at 07:27
A Man's Age - As Determined by a Trip to Bunnings

Dedicated to all the men who, halfway through a project, take a trip to Bunnings.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Put off going to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready as well.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize there is a big hole in the crotch of your pants but you are thankful that your tartan underwear is holding in the family jewels.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to KMart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What are bundings? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I write it? Did you? Who farted?

AnswerID: 619879

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