friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 09:02
ThreadID: 137364 Views:2593 Replies:8 FollowUps:0
little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

---------------------------

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

----------------------

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

------------------------------

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

---------------------------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

----------------------------


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'


Have a great day Bushy
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Reply By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 09:32

Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 09:32
Plump wood pigeon crowned NZ bird of year.

Despite Australian attempts to interfere with its election, a hefty pigeon with a reputation for drunkenness has been voted New Zealand's bird of the year.

The kereru, a colourful wood pigeon, has been crowned the winner of the annual public competition that this year saw the likes of Stephen Fry weighing in and intense campaigning by bird lovers across social media, including on Tinder.

The endemic birds are known to fall out of their trees due to their excessive fondness of fermented fruit and were backed by a campaign focusing on their proclivities and portliness.

"May this majestic bird, the labrador of the sky, consume many a berry on this special day," co-campaign manager and Green MP Chloe Swarbrick said.

The Bird of the Year contest, decided by online public voting, is a light-hearted attempt by conservation group Forest and Bird to bring attention to New Zealand's native birdlife.

But security was this year stepped after voting-stuffing attempts in 2017 - and seemingly with good cause.

Scrutineers this month discovered more than 300 votes for that had been illegally cast for the king shag from a single Australian address.

Meanwhile, the campaign team behind the black stilt - of which there are only 132 adults left in the wild - went a different way, signing up their contender on dating website Tinder and getting 500 matches around the country.

The competition also made waves with celebrities, with British entertainers Stephen Fry and Bill Bailey backing the endangered kakapo parrot and flightless takahe respectively.

Fry's head famously became the on-camera target of an enamoured kakapo, named Sirocco, nearly a decade ago.

While New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern had thrown her backing behind the black petrel - calling it the "bogan of the birds" - she on Monday nonetheless sent her salutations to the kereru.


And in case anyone missed it. It's not Frys head.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Opv8vZ6RvB0
AnswerID: 621653

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 10:11

Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 10:11
ENGLISH HOSPITALITY

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally
stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of
all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate,which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and
huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

bill
AnswerID: 621654

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 10:12

Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 10:12
ITALIAN VIRGINITY TEST:
Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself
Virginity Test Kit - A small can of red paint, a small can** **of blue paint and a shovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!',

.......... you hit her with the shovel

bill
AnswerID: 621655

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 11:02

Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 11:02
AnswerID: 621656

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 14:23

Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 14:23
Quick Thinking

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop.

"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.

LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable TAYLOR,

'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'

Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE...

"I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"

"LAWRENCE froze.

He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said,

'A pumpkin? **** - is it midnight already?"

The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.

The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as 'The best come-back line ever.'
AnswerID: 621659

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 20:24

Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 20:24
funny street signs














Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 621670

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 23:38

Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 23:38
A few more random silly ones. Not sure about the American sense of humour....but then I'm not sure about anything American these days.
AnswerID: 621672

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 23:50

Friday, Oct 19, 2018 at 23:50
I'm bored. Won't happen again.
AnswerID: 621673

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