Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 09:26
ThreadID: 136615 Views:2360 Replies:8 FollowUps:4
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!” The bookkeeper signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”
The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?” The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 10:16

Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 10:16
The wooden ball

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, But he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does..."
AnswerID: 618550

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 10:17

Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 10:17
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
AnswerID: 618551

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 10:19

Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 10:19
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the Big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around and around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better."

Tonto said, "Yes Kemosahbe." and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to The saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, (...I JUST LOVE THIS PART....) "Nothing, but you've left your injun runnin".
AnswerID: 618552

Follow Up By: David I1 - Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 10:35

Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 10:35
A charity that sells sausages at Bunnings on Weekends will no longer sell bacon or pork sausages so as not to offend the Jews and the Muslims. In response Bunnings has decided not to sell nails and wood so as not to upset the Christians.
FollowupID: 890572

Follow Up By: Genny - Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 10:44

Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 10:44
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were out riding through a steep sided desert valley.
Suddenly, a wall of hostile Apaches appeared across the valley in front of them.
Quickly, they swung their horses to retreat, only to find another wall of hostile Apaches blocking their path.
"Looks like we're done for Tonto!" lamented the Lone Ranger.
Tonto stoically replied "What you mean 'we', Paleface!"
FollowupID: 890573

Follow Up By: Trustme - Saturday, Apr 28, 2018 at 21:05

Saturday, Apr 28, 2018 at 21:05
After a long day riding the prairie, the Lone Ranger and Tonto pitch their tent and turn in for the night. Several hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and asks, "Tonto, when you gaze up at the night sky, what does it say to you?" Tonto wipes the sleep from his eyes, pauses for a minute then says, "Crynolodgically speaking i can tell that it's about 2.30 am. Meteorologiclly I can see that the sky is clear so today should be fine and sunny. Finally, Astronomically I can see that Jupiter is almost aligned with Mars."
The Lone Ranger nods and says "Thats very good my friend".
Tonto then says "Tell me Kemosahme, when you look up into the night sky, what does it say to you?"
The Lone Ranger turns to his faithful friend and says,
"It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent"
FollowupID: 890600

Reply By: bazz - Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 10:46

Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 10:46
The lizard was going to the billbong for a drink when he smelt a funny smell coming from a gum tree..where the kookaburra was perched .
"hey kookaburra can you smell that?"
"yeah its me havn a joint want to join me..?"
So the lizard climbs the tree and partakes in a few puffs.
"i'm thirsty im going to the billabong for a drink & will be back " croaks the lizard .
At the billabong Mr crocodile swims past the lizard ..
"i can smell weed who has it ?" asks the croc
"go see the the kookaburra in the gum tree " says the lizard
So the croc crawls over to the gum tree & looks up at the kookaburra ..
" hey kookaburra can i have puff of that ..?"
The kookaburra looks down ..his eyes bulge out & nearly falls out of the tree...and utters...
"Far out man how much did you drink..?"

AnswerID: 618554

Reply By: RMD - Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 11:28

Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 11:28
New Staff at Bunnings.
Two out of work blokes are now Team Members at Bunnings, their top service will bowl you over with special offers in the DIY sandpaper and abrasives section.
They are "team members" and will field any enquiry being fully qualified in deliveries.
AnswerID: 618555

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 12:35

Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 12:35
One Liners........

Q. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A. A stick.
Q. What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A. A woolly jumper.
Q. What animal can jump higher than the Sydney Harbour Bridge?
A. All animals, the bridge can’t jump.
Q. Why is a tree better than a guard dog?
A. The tree has more bark.
Q. What did the neck tie say to the hat?
A. You go on a head, I’ll just hang around.
Q. What do you call a fly without wings.
A. A walk.
AnswerID: 618557

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 13:16

Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 13:16
This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
AnswerID: 618560

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 15:14

Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 15:14
Yes, esay to raed bucasee the stennece srtcutrue is ok.
Not like some of the bogans who can't put their, they're and there, in the write place. Imagine a workshop manual with the brekas or bekras wirttne like that.

FollowupID: 890576

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 18:39

Friday, Apr 27, 2018 at 18:39

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 618563

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