Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 06:03
ThreadID: 136415 Views:1864 Replies:11 FollowUps:0
The Hotel Bill

An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel for Thanksgiving.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450 for just an overnight stay!
I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $450 is the 'standard rate,' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the woman:
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
"'Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.
No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay; she wrote a check and gave it to him.
The manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But madam, this check is for only $50."
"That's correct. I charged you $400 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.
"Well, too bad. I was here and you could have."

:oops:
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 06:05

Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 06:05
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!
AnswerID: 617584

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 06:47

Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 06:47
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife Mary.

He tip toed as quietly as he could towards the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well" Mary said," it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly. It's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror"
AnswerID: 617586

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 07:52

Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 07:52
THE RETURN OF THE BLONDES...


Two blondes are filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher.

The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
------------------------------------------------------------


One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
-------------------------------------------------


Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
-------------------------------------------------


A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
------------------------------------------------------------


A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.

The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.

The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.

Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.

The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height.

When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
------------------------------------------------------------


Blonde Interview:

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.

He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

........ ,,,,,,,,,,,,,............

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm

bless him.



I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"



He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."



Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,



"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"



"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."



______________________________ ___



Angela Merkel arrives at

Passport Control in Athens airport



"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.



"German," she replies.



"Occupation?



"No, just here for a few days."



_____________________________ ___________


_____________________________ ___________



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.



Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.



_____________________________ ___________



After both suffering from depression for a while,



me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.



Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.



So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.



_____________________________ ___________



I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.



I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.



_____________________________ ___________



"Jesus Loves You."



Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.



_____________________________ ___________



Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.



The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.



_____________________________ ___________



I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed



a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.



Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smackedhim over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.



Astonished, I got back into bed.



My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"



"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"



I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."



_____________________________ ___________



A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police Force.



The Sergeant doing the interview says:



"Your qualifications all look good,



but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."



Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:



"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,

six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"



The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"



"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"


...........,,,,,,,,,,,, ..............



Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 617589

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 10:15

Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 10:15
An older golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meagre pension.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden
"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, "No.



The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.

"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

Again, the golfer replied, "No.

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, "Yes.


"The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river.


When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"


"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked?

Kate Upton


"Yes," cried the golfer.


The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"


The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve ... that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.


And God was pleased


The moral of this story is:


If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honourable reason and only out of consideration for others!

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 617594

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 10:19

Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 10:19
ISN'T THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE CONFUSING !

For all of you who wonder why folk from other countries have a bit of trouble with the English language. This is a clever piece put together by an English teacher, who else??

*Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.* *You think English is easy??* *I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT !*


*Read all the way to the end.................This took a lot of work to put together!*

1) The bandage was *wound* around the *wound*.

2) The farm was used to *produce produce*.

3) The dump was so full that it had to *refuse* more *refuse*.

4) We must *polish* the *Polish* furniture.

5) He could *lead*if he would get the *lead* out.

6) The soldier decided to *desert* his dessert in the *desert*.

7) Since there is no time like the *present*, he thought it was time to *present* the *present*.

8) A *bass* was painted on the head of the *bass* drum.

9) When shot at, the *dove dove *into the bushes.

10) I did not *object* to the *object*.

11) The insurance was *invalid* for the *invalid*.

12) There was a *row* among the oarsmen about how to *row*.

13) They were too *close* to the door to *close* it.

14) The buck *does* funny things when the *does* are present.

15) A seamstress and a *sewer* fell down into a *sewer* line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his *sow* to *sow*.

17) The *wind* was too strong to *wind* the sail.

18) Upon seeing the *tear* in the painting I shed a *tear*.

19) I had to *subject* the *subject* to a series of tests.

20) How can I *intimate* this to my most *intimate* friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in a pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.


English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 617595

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 10:25

Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 10:25
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.
**********************************************************************************************

Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon. A Manly fan, a Cronulla fan, a Queensland fan, and a NSW State fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most die hard fan.

Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Manly fan proclaimed to the other three ‘This is for the Silvertails’ and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice, screaming ‘Glory’ as he fell to his death.

Not to be outdone, theSt George fan jumped up and shouted ‘This is for the Shire’ and threw himself off the mountain crying 'Caw caw caw Caw! as he crashed on the rocks below.

Refusing to be out done by the Manly and Cronulla fans, the QLD fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs ‘This is for the Cane Toads !’ and without hesitation, pushed the NSW fan off the mountain shouting—


Fly Cockroaches Fly

bill
AnswerID: 617596

Reply By: The Explorer - Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 10:42

Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 10:42
To penetrate this great unknown it would be necessary to first pass over the inhospitable regions described by Wells, Forrest & Giles. D Carnegie 1896

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AnswerID: 617598

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 10:52

Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 10:52
After a delicious dinner and a few drinks, the wife leads husband into the bedroom. With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied,
"Go look in the garage,"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft".
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft".
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro "What did I do wrong?" The pro says "Loft".
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time, what is 'loft?' "
The pro says "Lack Of F@#$%^ Talent".

Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 617599

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 11:05

Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 11:05
After returning from his honeymoon with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida ?" Luigi, "Everything wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she packa big basket a food. ... She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa car.
Musta use a dining car..' So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar the conductore, he waga 'is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..' So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada .... And the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..
'Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia !'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 617601

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 12:44

Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 12:44
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place.

When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.

Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

--------------------------------


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

......................................................................................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember… over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support


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AnswerID: 617605

Reply By: Graham G4 - Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 15:13

Friday, Mar 16, 2018 at 15:13
Jewish guy is in financial trouble and decides to pray to god for help to win the lottery.

Every day he prays's "Please god let me win the lottery, let me win the lottery"

At the end of the first week he hasn't won the lottery.

So all of the next week and the week after he prays "Please god let me win the lottery, let me win the lottery"

Still no win.

Eventually after many weeks God appears!!!

He's very frustrated so the Jewish guys asks him "God, what is wrong?"

God replies "FOR GOODNESS SAKE, MEET ME HALFWAY. BUY A BLOODY TICKET!!!!"
AnswerID: 617608

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