Friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 08:07
ThreadID: 137913 Views:2668 Replies:13 FollowUps:1
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We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) just been to pick it up and as I was driving home, I hea?rd the bags rustling and moving!!WTF??!!!
I thou?ght what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was .......


... A Peeking Duck!!!??????
........,,,,,,,,,,,...........
A Scotsman, a Jew and an Irishman walk into a bar… The barman says “what’s this?... A joke ???”
............,,,,,,,,,.,.,,..........
A guy buys a small Fox Terrier pup…. It is all black and brown………… with just a very small bit of white……………Called it “ENGLAND!”
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 08:33

Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 08:33
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
AnswerID: 624286

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 09:19

Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 09:19
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

boom boom

bill
AnswerID: 624287

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 09:20

Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 09:20
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder
and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I
tink
I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No, I only live round d'corner."
*************************************************************************************
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that
the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

********************************************************************************************

Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen, is it yours?"
Mick replies "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "Yes it
is"
Paddy asks "How do you know?"
Mick replies, "That's my handwriting"


...... I could not help myself...

bill
AnswerID: 624288

Reply By: Member - Blue M - Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 09:28

Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 09:28
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f***ing widow."
AnswerID: 624289

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 09:53

Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 09:53
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
PASS THIS ON ONLY IF YOU LAUGHED!!!
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 624292

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 14:19

Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 14:19
Paddy was an oyster farmer, hardworking and regular . Sold his catch daily to the local fish monger.
He would row his barge out in the bay early each morning and pull up the oysters , each pull was putting a big strain on Paddys heart.
One day Paddy didn't return home and Mrs Paddy rang the police who did row out to find Paddy had passed away doing the job he loved.

Headlines in the next morning’s newspaper read " Oysters Killpatric"
AnswerID: 624300

Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 14:24

Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 14:24
PADDY WENT FOR A JOB INTERVIEW.
THE FIRST THING THEY TOLD HIM WAS,
“WE ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY RESPONSIBLE”

PADDY REPLIED,

“IN THAT CASE I’M YOUR MAN.
AT MY LAST JOB, EVERY TIME SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED,
THEY TOLD ME I WAS RESPONSIBLE”!
AnswerID: 624301

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 14:27

Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 14:27
The GPS Cat

There was a man who couldn't stand his wife's cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house.

He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.

The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home.
And again, the cat was there waiting for him. 'This is impossible,' said the man to himself. 'tomorrow I'll make sure he can't come back!'

The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn - right, left, right, right and so on.
Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home.

A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it.
It's the husband, and he asks: "Is the cat there?" "Why, yes." says the wife, "he's been here quite a while, where are you?"

"Put that bastard on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions."
AnswerID: 624302

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 14:31

Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 14:31
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar
Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions, but just before he re-entered the Lander, he made the enigmatic remark :- "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the - 'good luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa bay, Florida , while answering questions, following a speech, a reporter brought up the
26-year-old question about Mr Gorsky to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.
Here is the answer to "Who was Mr Gorsky?":

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard by their bedroom window.

His neighbours were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Sex! You want Sex?! You'll get Sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

It broke the place up.
AnswerID: 624303

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 14:53

Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 14:53
One liners.
Stealing someone's coffee - is called a mugging

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The other day I held the door open for a clown - It was a nice Jester.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Pasteurise - Too far to see.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

No matter how far you push the envelope - it will still be stationery.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Who ever invented Knock knock jokes - should get a Nobell Prize.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Energizer bunny arrested - Charged with battery.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I put my Grandma on speed dial - I call that Instagram.

AnswerID: 624304

Reply By: David I1 - Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 15:38

Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 15:38
A man from a lunatic asylum escapes. As he is running away he sees some women washing their clothes at a laundry mat. As he had not had sex for a long time he had forced himself on a few and then ran away. Next day the Newspaper headlines read:
NUT SCREWS WASHERS & BOLTS
AnswerID: 624307

Reply By: David I1 - Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 15:39

Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 15:39
A husband wanted to kill his wife. So he goes to the local sleazy pub and asks the publican is there anybody here who does "contract killing"? Publican points to a man in the corner and says "Arty's your man". He goes over and sees Arty and asks how much do you charge to kill a person? One dollar is the reply. Gee that's cheap he thinks and says yes he will pay. Arty asks for a picture of the wife and then says what will she be doing tomorrow. Husband replies she always does the shopping in the morning. So next day Arty positions himself outside Coles and waits for the wife to arrive and follows her in. As she walks down an empty aisle, he goes up behind her and chokes her to death. As this happens a person comes round the corner and Arty thinks God a witness, so he lunges at the witness and chokes them as well. The noise attracts so many people that they overpower Arty and he is arrested and locked up.
Next day the newspaper headlines read:
Artichokes 2 for $1 at Coles
AnswerID: 624308

Reply By: ExplorOz Team - Michelle - Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 18:57

Friday, Mar 08, 2019 at 18:57
Readers will note we've deleted one joke today. Please be reminded that jokes about paedophilia are not appropriate on this Forum, ever. If you are unclear please read our Terms of Use.
Michelle Martin
Customer Support - ExplorOz & ExplorOz Traveller

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AnswerID: 624314

Follow Up By: Kenell - Saturday, Mar 09, 2019 at 08:05

Saturday, Mar 09, 2019 at 08:05
Its an old yarn and so easily told without the need to venture there. The one immediately before your reminder lost me too. No disrespect to the op but again this could have been told in so many other ways. It was the opening sentence that lost me. The subject has been debated on this forum long and hard and I don't wish to reignite it. There are a million great yarns out there without these.
0
FollowupID: 897804

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