What... No Friday Funnies?

Submitted: Friday, Jul 05, 2019 at 12:25
ThreadID: 138658 Views:2309 Replies:6 FollowUps:0
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Cant be Friday without the funnies, here's a bite to start you off:

Hope it works for you,
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Reply By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Jul 05, 2019 at 15:34

Friday, Jul 05, 2019 at 15:34
In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers.
Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are
“small amounts” of horse meat in their burgers.

Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained
30% horse meat, these quips hit the Internet

“I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.... I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ...
I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.
Her condition is said to be stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF!"

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers
confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots....

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?"
Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....Talk about flogging a dead horse.

At first I thought, “Oh great, I’ve been saddled with another email to
forward, but something spurred me on.”

Last night the wife made meatloaf, so I had dinner with two nags.

Since they’re selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically
a “Trojan Horse?”

Instead of choosing “rare, medium or well done, it’s now Win, Place or Show”

AnswerID: 626544

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Jul 05, 2019 at 16:21

Friday, Jul 05, 2019 at 16:21
For our wedding anniversary I bought a map of the world, put it on the wall. I gave my beloved Annie a dart and said “wherever the dart lands we will holiday for 2 weeks!”. Well, now we are camped out near the skirting board in the laundry for a fortnight....
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

My Profile  Send Message

AnswerID: 626546

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Jul 05, 2019 at 17:59

Friday, Jul 05, 2019 at 17:59

AnswerID: 626548

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Jul 05, 2019 at 18:37

Friday, Jul 05, 2019 at 18:37
Boxing Day Shopping:

It was just after Christmas and the judge was still in a festive mood.
He asked the prisoner in the dock, "What are you charged with?"
The prisoner replied, "Doing my Boxing Day shopping, too early."
"That's not a crime", said the magistrate. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the shop opened", came the answer.

The Hikers:

A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked, and the owners had gone to bed.

They knocked timidly on the front door, and a head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted fiercely, "Go away!! Don't you know what time it is?? We're closed!!' - and the window slammed shut.

Undeterred, the hikers knocked again.
"What is it now??" demanded the head.
"Could we speak to George this time, please?", asked the hikers.

The Robbery:

An agitated tortoise crawls into a police station.
"I've just been robbed by a murderous gang of snails!!", he announces.
"Calm down," says the duty copper. "Just tell us everything, as it happened."
"That's difficult," says the tortoise. "It all happened so fast!"

Cheers, Ron.

AnswerID: 626549

Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Jul 05, 2019 at 20:01

Friday, Jul 05, 2019 at 20:01
Tough Business Decisions

Business had been terrible and was not picking up, so it was decided that I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
I felt awful, as it was an impossible decision because both were excellent workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night and went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said. "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off for now?" She replied. "I feel like sh*t after a huge night but if you can wait, I am happy to meet you in the store room after lunch if I feel better.

I had to let Jack go.
AnswerID: 626550

Reply By: Zippo - Saturday, Jul 06, 2019 at 11:12

Saturday, Jul 06, 2019 at 11:12
AnswerID: 626562

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